I was just wondering where I could start to wrap up Christmas.
Utter shit might be a good starting point. I don't know. Family don't seem to have an ounce of appreciation for how difficult things are right now, I think sometimes they just see me as making up a bunch of lies so that I don't have to put the effort in.
It makes me ask myself, maybe it's me? And maybe it is.
One example is my step sister. 20 years old. Working part time for tesco after dropping out of uni. Easy life at home. And comes home to moan about the fact that the wrong meal was cooked for her. I mean, is she living in a different world? At least she can afford and have the time to eat well, her meal gets cooked FOR her and she can come home to relax with family without being looked upon as an outsider- which is pretty much how I feel at times when I stay there. It's nothing against my dad, he is very happy. I just sometimes feel like I'm forgotten about but yet I feel I'm the only one in the entire family to have ever done so well and to be standing on their own two feet at such a young age.
You might think that's just petty. I think sometimes I am, maybe I'm a cunt to be around. But then I think at least I've worked fucking hard to get where I am and have some prospects to work on for leading a decent life.
Right now world issues aren't my strong point, not when my head is buried in academic work. It sometimes makes me shut off from the outside world as my brain wants to shut down on completion of any work. However, the subject of the credit crunch doesn't stop me thinking about moving to America. I feel like I want to get away so badly right now, from everything. Sometimes I just want to break down. But is there any good reason, I think it is mostly loneliness and having nobody there that I feel I can really open up to- it's killing me.
But there's no time to sort that out. I have to revise and somehow get a first class honours, the fight to succeed must continue and I must keep job hunting trying to stay ahead of the pack.
I heard someone say 'appreciate what you got' recently, which is something I have to look to right now. But I think that is utter shit in some ways, because it's so dependant. You could say this to anyone, in any state of suffering.
Just have a great new year.
And make a good resolution for what will hopefully be a better 09'.
It's been a funny year. At one point I was so comfortable I could have cried, now I'm so frustrated I could cry.
Swings and roundabouts.
Peace out.
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